Time for the Wheel to Turn (John Lennon)

“So, that’s it then?”  She bit her lip as she continued gathering her things from his flat.  “You can’t leave me!”

“Can’t I, John?”  Her mind was going in a million different directions and for the life of her, she couldn’t remember where she’d left her scarf.  But it had to be here.  And after today, it couldn’t be anymore.  Neither could she.  “You don’t own me.”

“I don’t see how this changes anything.”  She spun around to face him, her scarf momentarily forgotten.

“It changes EVERYTHING!”  She threw the book she’d already gathered at him, but he managed to duck.  “I can’t be the bloody whore that breaks up a marriage!” She screamed. “I’ve been the bloody whore to your relationship with her for far too long, anyway.”

“You’re not a whore.”

“You made me one, John.  Everything about my being with you made me one.”  Angry tears leaked from her eyes, leaving dark streaks down her cheeks.

“I’ll leave her.”

“No, you won’t.”

“You don’t own me.” She laughed bitterly.

“Then you’re no better than your own father.”  She saw his eyes light up with anger, but still, she pressed on.  “You remember, the good-for-nothing bastard who left you and your mum alone.  Is that who you want to be?”

“Don’t you dare compare me to that bastard!”  He was on her in an instant, his fingers digging into her shoulders as he shook her.

“Then do the right thing.”  Her voice was meek as she looked up hesitantly at him.  “Let me do the right thing.”

“I love you.”  He’d stopped shaking her, and he’d loosened his hold, but he couldn’t seem to completely let her go.  “It’s always been you.”

“If that was true, you’d have left her a long time ago.”  She smiled sadly and brushed her fingers along his jaw.  “And now is too little, too late.”

“But I don’t want to be with her.”  He was no longer the man she’d come to love, but the little boy she imagined he once was, scared and confused.  Her heart broke for him and because of him.  “I love you.”

“John,” her voice was strained as she dropped her hand and her gaze.  “I don’t love you.”  It killed her inside to give voice to the lie.  

“Don’t say that!”  His grip tightened on her once more as he crushed her to him.  “I love you and you love me and you’re never leaving me.”  She fought the urge to hold him and offer him comfort when she felt tears against her neck.

“Let me go, John.  I need to get my things and go.”  She pushed away from him.  “Cyn will be over shortly, and I don’t think it would look right if she finds me here with you.”

“But-.” He fixed a stare on her.  “I can’t...I can’t live without you.”

“Oh, don’t be silly.”  She ignored her heart when she spotted her scarf hanging from the door to the bathroom.  “You will be just fine with Cyn and I will be perfectly content without you.”  She snatched up her scarf and then darted around him to collect the book she’d thrown at him earlier.  “Look, I would appreciate it if my...um, time with you was kept just between the two of us.  It would do some serious damage to my reputation if word got out that you and I...well, you know.  And I’m sure Mimi would kill you if she were to find out.”

“Don’t go.”  He had to get her to look at him.  “Please.”

“Oh, Christ, John.”  She bit the inside of her cheek before walking to his closet and yanking out the dress she’d left from its hanger.  “We had some fun.  Now you’re off to marry the mother of your child, and I’m off to find a new job.”

“You’re leaving the Cavern?”

“I have to.”

“No, luv.  At least I’ll still be able to see you.”

“But I can’t see you, anymore, John.  I just can’t.”  Silent tears began to fall freely down her face at the thought of never seeing him again.  But she wasn’t sure she could handle seeing him, knowing everything he’d made her feel, and knowing she could never have that back.

“George is going to wonder what happened.”

“Ah, George.”  She smiled despite her tears.  “I’m sure I’ll see him around.  I mean, he is me friend, after all.”  She headed for his front door, grabbing her jacket from the back of his couch.

“So, we’re not even friends.”

“I can’t.”  She stepped out of his flat and pulled the door closed behind her.  A moment later, she heard glass shattering against the door.  Clutching her belongings tightly to her, she ran.

***

“Hey.”  The smile on George’s face let her know that John had kept his mouth shut.  As he seemed to continually take on the role of her older-brother-protector, his very presence at the small chapel told her he was oblivious.  “Paulie said you were sick.  Didn’t think you’d make it today.”

“I was feeling a little under the weather earlier.  But I’m fine now.”  That was a lie.  Her stomach was in knots and she could almost hear a whispered “mistress” bouncing throughout the room.  “Well, maybe not fine.  But I wanted me chance to congratulate Johnny-boy before he got himself tied to the old ball-and-chain.”  She forced a cheeky smile to her lips.

“You know, you’re gonna be a ball-and-chain to some poor sod sooner or later.”

“Pah.  I’m no ball-and-chain, Georgie.  I’m the one who’ll be tied down.”  She protested with a gentle shove.

“George?”  She turned, hearing John’s voice, determined not to start crying.  “What are you doing here?”  His tone was acidic, and she suddenly realized that showing up might not have been her wisest move.

“I need to talk to you.”

“You said all you needed to say yesterday.”

“Georgie, can you give us a minute?”  George looked back and forth between the two.  John didn’t make a move to stop him, so he shrugged and went in search of Paul and some sort of food.  “I’m sorry.”

“Is that it?”

“Yeah, that’s it.  I’m sorry for saying some of the things I did.  I shouldn’t have compared you to your father.”

“Damn right, you shouldn’t have.”  She pursed her lips, trying not to give way to her own anger even though it was clear he’d given in to his.

“And I’m sorry for saying that being with you made me feel like a whore.”  Even if that was what she was, he’d never made her feel like it.  He’d never made her feel anything but loved.  “I just...maybe we can be friends?”

He remained silent, staring at her, until she nodded and started to leave.

“Go back to being friends with a girl even after I've shagged her?  Is it possible?”  She froze, hearing the humor in his voice.

“I suppose it’s worth a go?”  She didn’t turn to face him.  “It’s gonna hurt like hell to see you now that you’ll be a mister to a missus, but I think it would hurt worse not seeing you at all.”  Even just one night of thinking she’d never see him again had proven too much.

“Wait--.”

“No.”  She heard the plea in his voice and she had to stop him before he said something that she wouldn’t let him take back.  “You’re getting married and I’m going home.  I’ll see you ‘round, Lennon.”